Sunday September 7th 2014
I awoke ready for an adventure. I have the beautifully daunting feeling that something amazing is going to happen today.
Me ex once told me that sometimes it seemed like I didn’t take care of myself and it was a turn off. Had he not been at the time using it for a weak defense for some bullshit he got caught up in …. I might have listened. I really didn’t understand what he meant at the time. Or if he even meant it as deeply as I see it now. At the time I could only hear him saying that I should work out. I’m not fat… But I’m not fit either. Anyway. Pride. Shame. Hurt. Wouldn’t let me see the truth.
So I’m in the shower today and for some reason that conversation is replaying in my mind. And it dawns on me. He was right. Sure I keep my appearance hygiene all of that up. But I don’t eat the way I should. I drink entirely too much. I don’t exercise … Like at all. I rarely sleep. And I enjoy an occasional recreational drug usage. I know it’s bad. But I love every painful beautiful moment of it all. I like not knowing where my personality is going to take me from moment to moment. It makes for interesting foggy memories.
I guess it’s impossible for a person it give you the love you want and you can’t even give it to yourself.
Part of me would rather have a story worth telling than having a Happy Ending
So where is the happy median?
At what age do we have to give up the happy places we create in our Minds When reality is just too much to deal with?
Because that’s all it really is…. Sex, alcohol, drugs, partying …. A clever illusion we create for ourselves in our search for belonging and happiness.
Band aids.
